Conflict and connection have always defined my life.
Growing up in Seattle, I was a fat, happy kid who loved to get along. A middle child, I was brought up in the balance of my stay-at-home mom, a passionate artist, and my father, a stoic engineer who practiced everything in moderation. Our time sailing at twilight in the sound, camping, and telling goofy stories gave me the stability that, even then, I knew was rare, solid, and palpable. But I hated conflict. It was intolerable. Any sign of tension at home, school, or at a friend's house meant freeze, panic, ulcers. . .
My distaste for conflict and curiosity about how families were different drew me to study psychology in graduate school, specializing in child and family relationships. But the bond of love and connection that led me to marry my college sweetheart, Cyndi. It took ten years of marriage and a PhD to discover that I could have a fight and still be loved. After our worst arguments and living apart for work and school, I knew I still loved her.
But nothing could prepare us for starting a family of our own.
Raising our three boys under four was a fight, even a crawl, out of piles of anger, frustration, and stress that were mounting---no matter how much we all loved each other. Cyndi was home with the kids nonstop. I was working 50-60 hour weeks building a psychology practice, and our oldest son was diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar disorder.
The magical moments from childhood I hoped to recreate with my sons were slowly replaced by piles of homework, boxes of cereal, and bills on the countertop. I fell short of the father I always dreamed of becoming; Cyndi and I were just managers of the household's relentless rage, anxiety, aggression, and moods. After so many sleepless nights, I felt robbed, even grieved, of my dream, so we decided to get help.
What was it like walking into a therapist's office as a therapist myself?
Humbling, it leveled all my hubris. I had to use the skills I taught and learn some more. My family depended on it. Those weeks and months wiped away my idyllic version of fatherhood and blinding optimism. I saw reality as it was, not as I expected or longed for it to be. In the uncertainty of restoring order to our family while keeping it together, I surrendered. I found acceptance without resignation. Then, a flood of love, grace, and compassion arrived, and my family finally saw each other as we needed to be seen and we were really there for each other.
Love and acceptance have kept Cyndi and me together for forty years and empowered us to raise sons who got the unconditional acceptance and support they needed, and as happy relationships of their own. I survived cancer three times over and built a psychotherapy practice spanning thirty years. In truth, I am a good father, husband, and therapist, but I had to accept, instead of reject, the life in front of me, including the ugliness and pain of life. That was the conflict I had to resolve. Doing so fostered lasting connection, passion, satisfaction, success, and the capacity for awe beyond anything I had ever imagined.
The gift of acceptance is awe.
My mission is to help individuals, couples, families, and groups create their version of an awe-inspired life. In a mundane and chaotic world, we must turn fear into wonder, act with urgency and inspiration, and experience depth and transcendence that make us come alive. In my therapy practice, I help those suffering from relationship strife, anxiety, depression, and ADHD take their life back. For those I coach, the focus is on growth, leadership, and achieving goals, even mastering the ability to prevent life's trials and tragedies from happening in the first place.
For couples who want to go the distance instead of moving sideways, nowhere, or backward, I help them connect to the love that lasts. And coming soon, weekly groups and retreats for men!
Sound all-encompassing and powerful?
That's because it is. Whether one makes steps or leaps, with the right skills, tools, and guidance, everyone can step into a life filled with joy, happiness, and the majesty of their potential. I love the thrill and exhilaration of it all! I believe my work, especially with families, can turn a bully into a charismatic leader, free our society from imprisoning patterns, and turn sadness into a responsibility to change the world. In short, the ability to connect and manage conflict can change the trajectory of our lives.
My experience has only enhanced my expertise. After completing my Ph.D. at Southern Illinois University, I became a partner at Evergreen Park Professionals, a psychotherapy practice operating for over three decades in the Greater Seattle area. Of the thousands of people I've impacted in Seattle, I especially love working with families and couples. I was an early adopter and researcher under the Gottman Method. As a regular facilitator of Marathon Couples Therapy, I help couples face their relationship challenges head-on so they can thrive in happy and healthy connections. I'm also launching two new programs: Happy Mindful Families and Mindful Masculinity. Recently, I accepted a coaching position at The Awakened School, a progressive center for helping men and women awaken their impact and create success with unshakable certainty.
While I am a psychologist, coach, author, teacher, and facilitator, I am a person first. Today, you can find me speaking in the Greater Seattle Area, traveling the world with my wife Cyndi, or sailing the Puget Sound with my three sons, Nathaniel, Chris, and Noah.
